Saturday, October 23, 2010

The Bard of the Ogre!

Eons ago, in a small princely state of ‘Hampyre’, there dwelled an Ogre. He lived in the shire called ‘Monimesh’ along with the tenants of the King. Lazy and chubby as a hippopotamus, he could do anything for a good sleep. Lived in a small shanty, away from his mud pond, his homeland, he had forgotten how to miss his homeland. This was his home for years to come and he had surrendered to this thought.
The day was approaching, fast. Something was going on in his mind, kind of rebellious, he was. He was supposed to become quiet, bowing, gentle, soft. He was not supposed to agitate anybody. He was not supposed to challenge anybody. And yet, he did not oblige. They warned him of the coming day. He showed short temper, arrogance, disobedience. They warned him again. He paid no heed. They were his friends after all, or so he thought.
The night before that day, it came at last. Before the hands of the clock met for the last time to bid goodbye to the previous day, and welcome the next, they assembled. And they assembled with torches, they assembled with clubs, they were all geared up. The town bell announced the commencement of the new day, and it began. They carried him to the square, on their shoulders. They carried him as a deity, they carried him as a sacrifice, like the scapegoat being taken to the altars with all pomp and show. And yet, he could only force a smile.
They hauled him, grabbed him from his legs and by his arms, they made him see the sky, its darkness, the stars, the mockery from heavens, the celebrations on earth, for it was the day he was sent here. He was held in mid air by four strong men, spread apart in the four diagonals. And then, the call was made:

“To the Ogre, Welcome to this world!”
Like a sack of trash, his butts were kicked. Every leg had a new kind of zeal, even one legged creatures had their fair share. He did not believe in Gods, but he wanted Them to exist, just for today. No, he did not want to pray, he never had, he wanted Them to see, he wanted Them to hear his stubbornness, the irony of being born, the treachery of living.
And with every blow he withstood he shouted out loud for the Gods to envy... Oh yeah!!
Bring em on...!
He survived the ordeal, this wasn’t his first. The village rejoiced and sang in communion,
Welcome Ogre, Happy Birthday dear Ogre!
It was a long feast, revelry and celebrations. Such had been the tradition, such had been the way. They thanked him, and he thanked them. They were his friends after all!
And tonight he sleeps, facing away from the Lord himself... he had never believed in Him, but wanted Him to exist, just for tonight…

Monday, August 2, 2010

Season Excitement!!

I was in my room preparing Ajay’s curriculum vitae.

“Come on Saurav you shouldn’t have done that..”
“I was just making sure that I don’t get through..”

Bang!.. ok not at real bang.. The phone rings.. The most awaited ring since the morning..
It was Sharmaji for sure.. Abhijeet received the call..

“Write down the names..”
“I am on it..”

Everyone was staring at the paper as I was putting marks of graphite on it..

1. Ankush Mahajan..

“Chottey (alias Ankush) tera ho gaya.. jaldi se shave kar aur file arrange kar.. ek ghante mei interview hai!” (Ankush you are through.. Go shave your beard and arrange your file.. Interviews in an hour!)

Ankush runs away in excitement. And then once again runs back into my room asking
“Mera Sach mei ho gaya??” (am I really through??)

Finally the list wass prepared. It consisted of sixteen names. These sixteen were selected for the final round of the Samsung India placement interviews. I ran down to notify the others..

“Mani Lal tera ho gaya..” (Mani Lal you have been selected..”)

Mani Lal (aka Manish Thakur) is the hero of sports in our batch.. Not surprisingly he was playing dota.. Believe me just the news of him getting selected for the interviews made him receive uncountable butt kicks!. All I added was, “Get ready..”

“Oye patial ko dekha??..” (Hey did anyone see Patial?..)
“Patial tera bhi ho gaya..” (Patial you have been selected too..)

As soon as I notified Patial that he was selected for the interviews, there was a change of expression on his face. He went complete red. He was not happy. Rather all he could come up with was,

“yaar mai kya bolunga interview mei?. Mereko to kuch bhi nahi aata hai!..” (Mate.. what would I reply in the interview?. I don’t know anything!..)

At this everyone started laughing their asses off at him. The most prominent was Sushil exclaiming,

“Patial tu to fass gaya!!!.” (Patial you have been screwed in a trap!!!.)

At this I shouted over the laughters to Sushil..

“Sushil tera bhi ho gaya!” (Sushil even you have been selected!)

The corridor went dead silent. All were looking at each other’s face as if I had just reported an approaching earthquake. Sushil shouted back at everyone to break the silence,

“yaar koi kuch padha do.. pleeeaseee.. mereko kuch nahi aata!” (Man someone please teach me something.. Even I don’t know anything!)

Abhijeet shouted from the top floor..

“Agarwalle.. Tie.. Knot.. Jaldi.. Mai file bana raha hu apni..” (Agarwalle.. Tie.. Knot.. Fast.. I am arranging my file)
“Yes coming.. Let me inform Ashu that he has been selected too!.”

Running from room to room of the C block I reached the C “Gufa” (The CG block as they call it here at ManiMahesh Hostel). Ashu bhai was tight asleep in his slumber. Damn!. I couldn’t image Hash’s (ashu as we call him) ignorance.. Behind me people came shouting in..

“Ashu bhai utho.. aapka ho gaya hai!” (Ashu Big brother.. Wake up.. You have an interview to appear for!)

Returning to the ground floor of A block I heard Chotta and Bulls fighting. I went in and Chotta shouted at me,

“Agarwalle.. mera resume nahi bana hua hai.. bana de please..” (Agarwalle.. My resume.. It’s still unprepared.. Please help me with it..”)

His right cheek was all bleeding. Bulls chuckled,

“Khushi mei saale ne gaal bhi kaat liya..” (The moron shaved off the skin of his cheek too in excitement.)

I prepared the second resume of the day.. Sushil busted in..

“Agarwalle mera bhi..” (Agarwalle mine too..)

That was number three.

That was enough of excitement for an hour. As everyone left the hostel for the auditorium we wished them good luck. I thought of taking a long shower after all the running I had done. Somebody shouted from the back..


I saw Hash running to me..

“yaar mera bhi resume bana de.. please” (Mate prepare mine too).. 4th on the card!

Tuesday, July 20, 2010


Men: What should we have for dinner?
Women: Whatever..
Men: Why don't we have Mexican?
Women: No not Mexican, the last time I got pimples on my face
Men: Alright, why don't we have Szechwan cuisine
Women: Yesterday we ate Szechwan , today too?
Men: Hmm..... I suggest we have seafood
Women: Seafood is not good, I got diarrhea
Men: Then what do you suggest?
Women : Whatever..

Men: So what should we do now?
Women: Anything
Men: How about watching a movie? It's been a long time
Women: Watching movie is no good, it's a waste of time
Men: How about we go for bowling, or some exercises?
Women: Exercise on such a hot day?
Men: Then find a cafe and have a drink
Women: I am off caffeine
Men: Then what do you suggest?
Women: Anything

(You decide)
Men: Then do we just go home?
Women: You decide
Men: Let's take the bus, I will accompany you
Women: The bus is dirty and crowded.
Men: OK; we will take a cab
Women: Not worth it... For such a short distance
Men: All right, then we can walk. We can enjoy the weather
Women: I am hungry, can't walk.
Men: Then what do you suggest?
Women: You decide
Men: Let's have dinner first?
Women: Whatever...
Men: What shall we eat?
Women: Anything..

Men: At what time do I have to call you?
Women: Any time as u wish
Men: But last time when I call u in the morning u didn't pick up?
Women: I was sleeping.
Men: OK; when I try to call you around 11 am u didn't pick up?
Women: I was shopping with my mother
Men: So, when I try to call you around 2-3 u didn't pick up?
Women: I was tired and relaxing.
Men: Then what about 5 PM?
Women: I was watching a cartoon.
Men: So, then why didn't you pick u phone in the night?
Women: I was studying
Men: Ok then tell me which time is the most convenience time for you to talk.
Women: Anytime.

Friday, June 18, 2010

Lets TOSS !!

To all those noblemen who swore their loyalty to the coin, still undecided of what they want, a heads or tails, let this be a sneak peek into the Pandora’s box. Let the frogs jump out of their wells and hop on to the other wells and ponds to taste diversity. Let us show you the innovations that have been done in decision making scenario. Allow us to take you on a tour of ‘Toss’.

The head and its tale.
 Until about a century ago, kings used to rule nations. As a symbol of their power and charisma, Kings had their heads engraved on the coins. Then kings died, when there was no head left over them. One of our kings tried to use whatever was left over his torso and came up with a bright idea. He made a pillar which had 4 lions sculpted over the top facing the four directions. Finally, after continued efforts, the emperors head (Her Majesty, The Queen’s, in our case) was replaced by the three lions. The fourth cat was let loose in the jungle and maybe that’s why all animals flocked to the front side of the pedestal from the hinds. Anyways, every animal was now facing outwards from the pillar, before the photograph of them was taken, to be punched on every coin from then on. The other side eventually came to be known as Tails, because there were no humans involved on the other side. Even today, some variants appear with a person’s face on their heads’ side and I wonder, “Did they really have Tails?”

Players found potential in the game and started using the coin to play "navia aut caput" (Ship or Head). But to decide who will flip first was a tedious job and often led to blooded noses and broken teeth when the contest was amongst untamed adolescents. The elders, who had severely deformed their nose cartilages and had cratered their faces from relentless punches, had grown weary of this and decided to do away with it. They sat in counsel for days. Finally, they decided to snatch the game status from the coin, and gave it a decider status instead. And from then started the process called TOSS.

The Ordinary Way:
 Take a thin coin. Check if it’s unbiased. Toss it high in the air giving maximum rotations. Make a call, Heads or tails. Catch the coin, or let it reach the ground. Check whose wish has been granted. The winner then decides which option he would choose out of the few alternatives that he has. This method is suited only under able guidance, referees in most cases. What if there is not referee? Even worse, what if there is no coin?
It is then, innovation kicks in.

‘Sookha’ or ‘Geela’
 Dry or wet? In villages, both the referees and coins are often missing and it can be very troublesome to decide who the toss winner is. This method comes directly from the ages of Flintstones. The coin is replaced by a piece of flat stone. Make one of its sides wet, often accomplished by spitting on to it, to make it an ideal substitute for a coin. Toss away to glory, and no one would run after you if you stole their stone. There are no restrictions on the size of the stone, no thickness constraints, as long as you can toss them in the air. Definitely an advantage over coins.

Who has the Longest?
Straw. When the players are more than two and have to take turns, its one of the most popular methods among town and city children. Take straws of different lengths, and hold them in such a way that all the straws protrude just the same amount. This confuses players which one is the longest and each one picks a straw. The winning order is decided by the length of the straws each one has. The only problem is, there needs to be a volunteer, who has to resist temptation of knowing the lengths of all the straws and still not be able to pick one for him/her. That player gets the last straw, which no one else chooses. The advantage of this method is that it helps you to discriminate. Just like a predator would choose the weakest amongst the similar looking herd, you learn to listen to your biasing and choose one out of the similar looking straws.

Watch your back
This needs two volunteers. One of them stands facing the wall while the other puts fingers on his back citing numbers. The one facing the wall calls out names arbitrarily every time a number combination hits his back. The players watch as their winning order is decided by two fellow players who cannot positively choose their own place in the list.
This method helps sensitizing the skin, only if you are bent upon cheating and knowing the number combinations. A word of caution. People who burst out laughing due to tinkling as soon as their body is touched, especially behind the back, please avoid this. I know one such person. They are a rarity and are a delight to fiddle with.

Age Factors
In groups with much age differences, sometimes, the age seniority decides your position. Aggressive elders may vote for “Seniors First” while the gentle giants may go for “Youngest First”. It’s all a matter of luck where you crash in.

Where ever you crash in, always try to play fair. Thank you for unanimously giving me the first chance without a toss. ‘Meri Baari khatam, mein ghar ja raha hoon’. My turn’s over, I am going home.

*I am looking forward for you people to bring up new methods of toss, I am sure you all have something better than these.
** The fourth lion is still absconding from the coins, please report if you find him. Save Tigers, their tongues have the best moisturizers for your face. Let them lick you. Don't poach them. Love them and they'll love you.

Friday, June 11, 2010

And my diary spoke back...

Dear me,

“Hie! Wassup dude? How’s life? How’s your girl doing?”

Expected something like this? duhh uhh..

What do you think of yourself.. you two legged and one big mouthed moron?

Get a life mate. Go and do something better.

Ok! Let us start it all over again you piece of shit.

Dear Jackass,

Until now you have been scribbling on me like a mentally retarded, under developed freaked up moron. Your daily journals.. oobs I meant your daily shittt is now really getting on my nerves. Do you ever have something interesting going on in your life or are you just one of those loosers who were a manufacturing defect up in the almighty’s lab? Probably, you are the by product of one of those unlucky mistakes of your parents not using proper protection while they were having fun! Duhh.. Why were you the only semen to make it through? Anything else would have saved me the pain of getting scribbled by you.

Listen! Shut the F up and listen to me! Enough of your daily stupidity! I am totally freaked out of you. How many times do I need to clean your screwed up mess and find solutions to your never ending idiot-ism? Well it’s high time you got to know that you are a freaking jerk. Wait, there is more to it. I know that even you know that you are a jerk and you still pretend to be a dude. What a pity! You go around making a fool of yourself and you think that people admire you? Well mate, let me tell you the truth today; when you think that they are laughing at your joke, think again, because they laugh at you and not at your dumb-ever-not-so-humorous jokes!

Over the years I have kept my mouth mum; waiting for you to change. You went over from the sick-old-fashioned-new-year version of me to the Archies and Hallmark elite brands. You kept on pricking that stupid pen of yours into my soft tender skin, but I never resented; thinking that you will grow up someday. But you continue to embarrass me by addressing me like a girlie; Dear diary? Give me a ummm F’ing break. Grow up dude! It’s time you already did you know.

Let’s take a look on what you have impinged on my pages. Dumb as always.. Ahh! This seems interesting. Your first crush! Class 6? History Teacher? Mate she had a husband and a child of your age. Where did you fit into you lucid and lunatic bloody MILF? But you continued to hit on her by sitting beside her eating from your lunch box and bringing her flowers. And the worst part is you wrote all your pathetic romantic laments onto my pages. Can’t take it anymore!!. Let’s move on. Next on is the wildest thing you have ever done huh? You were so proud of yourself, weren’t you tough guy? You used red ink to record it! “Oooooo! I am so F’ing impressed.” So what did you do? You stole 10 bucks from your dad’s pocket. I am speechless.

Here it is! Your first football match! Great!. You broke your nose, your left hand was fractured, your knee was dislocated and you lost your senses in the middle of the game with one thousand eyes staring on you. And if I rely on my memory, you were sent out as a substitute in the eighty fifth minute. What a waste! Seriously what a shame! This one’s even better; your fight with the bully of your colony. It seems like you didn’t have enough strength in your fingers to put down how you were trashed by his gang and then chased back to your home. Ha Ha!

And now comes the best part of your journal; the love of your life. What the hell? You loved her? You were ready to travel to the end of eternity to get her. Yea but that was only before you found the next love of your life, isn’t it? And the same lines were scribbled on and on for each one that followed. Even I have stopped keeping a count now. I just cannot image how characterless you are! Speaking of character, here is the journal about the night you lost your virginity, or should I say when you technically lost it. I believe it was all shit and lies that you wrote onto me. Days ago I met a fellow diary of mine and it happened to be the journal of the girl you supposedly made out with. Guess what? It read out that your night with the female was a complete mess as your male organ could not actually stand up and it literally peed into the girls tender tissues! Amazing!

Dude a serious advice! I don’t ask you to stop scribbling your daily–not-so-happening-events onto me. I was made for that only. It’s my destiny to bear this burden of yours. I was transformed from a branch into a paper for it. But then I have been with you ever since you learnt to put a proper graphite mark on a paper. So here it is from a true mate: Grow up chum! Try to be a man. Stop being a mumma’s child. Have the guts to accept a girl into your life. Try to take up responsibilities. And for god sake stop F’ing around. Please!

P.S. : Dedicated to all those who maintain journals and address their dairy as .. "Dear Diary!"..

Sunday, May 30, 2010

FIFA World Cup 2010 - A preview

Every once in four years, the biggest sporting extravaganza in the world takes place, i.e. the FIFA World Cup. However, this years edition is unique and more exciting than ever before for many reasons. It's the first time a World Cup is being held in the beautiful yet politically marred and war-torn continent of Africa. How I envy those who will be boarding flights to watch the matches among thousands of fans across the world in one of Africa's most developed countries in what is expected to be an electrifying and once in a lifetime experience.
Football fanatics like me who have been following the ongoing world cup friendlies would agree with the fact that as of now there's probably not a "favorite" to win the cup. Surely you have Capello's England who go into every World Cup with high hopes of bringing the Cup back "home" but are undone either by "women" who prove to be a major distraction or by a great man named "Diego Maradona" who can defy the rules of football and score with his hand.
Talking of the great man, he will be making his return to football's grandest stage not as a player but as the national coach of one of the most talented teams in this years edition, Argentina, which boasts of household names like Messi, Tevez and Maradona's son-in-law Sergio Aguero. With such abundance of talent and one of the greatest players ever to guide them one must expect Argentina to win this World Cup convincingly, but lets not forget they are only on their way to South Africa thanks to a late winner by one of Maradona's freak selections a 36 year old striker.
Moving on to freak selections, Brazilian World Cup winning captain and current coach who I believe is out not to take the current team to World Cup glory and then there are arch-rivals France whose national coach is trying even harder to make his team look unconvincing. That said and done, focus on the coaches will be at par with the players slogging it out on the pitch with the only exception of the "The Special One" Jose Mourinho.
As for a personal favorite, mine would be Spain, which by far have the most balanced team going into this tournament, but considering the fact that they have been labelled bigger chokers than England, don't be too surprised by an early exit.
Of course, how can we ignore the mighty Germans with whom I just won the world cup in FIFA 2010. But let's get back to reality, with a fragile defence, a midfield relying on the hopes of one man and an extremely talented attacking line up which have been warming the bench for their respective clubs most of last season, all we can do is pray that they get their game together for 7 games. Same goes for the Portuguese who can't find a way to score against teams that are unheard of and are ranked worse than India.
Keeping in mind how the so-called "push-overs" have been fairing in their pre-friendlies and how the favorites have all intentions to disappoint, for once we can hope for a balanced world cup with many surprises and 64 interesting and breath-taking matches. Atleast that's what someone who's paying SD$70 (approx. Rs. 2400) to watch the matches would be praying for. And that's what a country like South Africa would fittingly deserve because honestly speaking, 4 years ago how many of us thought that South Africa would be ready to play hosts to the worlds finest sports stars?
And as June 11th slowly nears, its high time we get ready. Beer, Chicken, Jersey and a Wavin'Flag anyone?

Wednesday, May 26, 2010

Just a Kiss?

Matinee time!

Sizzling dinner still causes certain turmoil in the stomach as every member of the house settles in the living room to watch the prime time movie being telecasted on the TV. Believe me, it is the only source of entertainment (and torture for some) for most of the families in our country. Unfortunately, it is an English movie tonight. It’s an action movie, so it must be having a hero, of course, a heroine and the hot and dashing villain whose arms are generally huskier and sinewy than the legs of the hero (or heroine). Hey, Avatar was an exception to that, the Heroine was bigger than the hero and the villain, but maybe that’s why Cameron missed the prestigious award and had to reach for his wife’s throat when Hurtlocker struck gold. It’s a masochistic and prejudiced world I must say. Back to the movie now! Since it is an English movie, it has to have their way of expressing love or affection to each other, the tongue twister KISS. Sometimes, the heroine needs to do it to the villain too, possibly to buy the hero more time to complete his job or maybe she likes trying a new guy every now and then. This reminds me of Racheal Weiss (She’s as beautiful as ever) when she had to smooch a mummy to get him diverted from his sand storm trick and buy her hero a life. Picking guys was Okay, but mummy, it seemed to be her fantasy (She plays an artifact hunter anyways, shot one down with lips?). Smooch and that too with a dead insect eating creature, just imagine. Anyway, the heroine in this movie is really gorgeous and has remarkable curves (She ought to have them, it’s her source of bread and butter) and her blood red lips coated with a thin coat of gloss seem to be very appetizing.
But there is a small (big) problem. The remote (yes that thing used to switch the 900 channels) is in the wrong hands. The fingers are at constant itching to try new button combinations whenever there is an advertisement. And in the case of this movie, another clause has been added: Change channel whenever the lead characters are together and no one’s around or someone getting turned on, or romantic scenes or anything that may lead to kissing and everything that ensues. Gosh! I thought it was also classified as intense action and somewhere deep inside, I had been waiting for it, and when it was finally happening, a pack of wolves was scavenging for its meal on my TV screen.
What? It was just a kissing scene. They do it most of the time. That’s not fair. Grow up people! Sometimes, KISS is said to be an acronym of ‘Keep It Simple and Straight’. Okay, it’s a much more intense action of twisting tongues and biting lips here, but still, it’s just a kiss. Helpless in a family organization, I cannot protest, they are elders and they are imposing censorship. But this is ridiculous. Just a kiss, oh come on!
Majority of India has long been a conservative type of society. Many critics have vehemently opposed the growing influence of western culture on Indian population. Many radical subsets of the Indian society still try to force their social norms on others. For this they may even use force, the unfortunate misdoings by Shiv Sena on Valentine’s Day are an ugly reminder of such fickle mindedness. I remember the very polite question from a dating couple who got beaten up by some cops (‘Best’ Cops I think) for the reason that they were supposedly dating, “Is falling in love a mistake?”
I guess, we belong to 21st century? And so do our parents. Or let’s say, we were born in 21st century and they made a transition. But is transition too hard when all senses are working fine. But maybe, our senses have grown accustomed to what they have been seeing and it will take a lot of effort to make them change. It is human to err, but then its more human to accept an important change.
Unlike our parents, bollywood seems to be catching up with the kissing scenario. Given some initiations in the nineties, the emergence of ‘The Serial Kisser’ was a drastic success and obviously, other heroes followed suit. But this makes me think that if elders don’t feel the winds of change, then would they stop watching movies someday? Another funny thing is that this trend is passing on to our generation also. I have seen many of my age grouped people changing channels much like the same way, especially when there are females around (duhh.. aahh.. they would otherwise drool and ogle at such scenes with their friends!) I don’t know what goes through their minds, but then they should stop pretending being modern, if they cannot think rationally. I firmly believe that even most of the liberals have a more conservative part in them, more than what they know or think they have. OK, sometimes it pays off to be conservative, but other times (like this one), it isn’t justified.
That’s all for now. The channel’s back and the romance has passed. The movie is supposed to be an action flick and I should not try to miss the violent action part at least, though romantic action could possibly make us tenderer than sadistic action and bloodsport.

Monday, May 10, 2010

..To the Angel!.. Mommy we Love you..

Who says there is nothing called ‘love at first sight??’
Because when I was born
Just as I opened my eyes
I fell in love with you mommy at the very first sight!

One day before a baby was born
He asked the almighty, “I don’t know what I'm going to do in this world!”
God replied, “I have sent you an angel to be next to you all the time; the angel will teach and protect you!”
The baby said, “what is the name of my angel!?
“You will call her MOMMY!!”

“When you feel you are alone in a crowd
When you think no one can understand you
When your love is rejected by others
When you hate your life
Just close your eyes and
See her face who loves you more than anyone else
Who cares for you in loneliness and
Dies for you when you cry
She is no one else than your sweet loving mommy!”

A child asked God, “Which is the court where all the sins and crimes are forgiven?”
After a chuckle he replied, “Your mother’s heart!”

Happy mother’s day to everyone!
A salute to all mothers!
To all angels on earth
Mommy We love you!..


Blasphemous Aesthete
Davesh Shingari
Suv! Raptured

Friday, May 7, 2010

Just a Thought !

Exam time is the time when real ideas of reform start flowing in our brains. It is the time when everything except syllabus books is fascinating. Our exams are also in progress and amidst all this heat, I am baffled with few more profound questions, which probably even my teachers cannot answer. Here are few of the questions I would like you all to think about when sitting in the examination hall. I am sure, you will find the answers, for you are geniuses of 21st century. I came here through time travel and my machine broke down, so I am stuck here till someone frees my machine from area 51 and repairs it.

·         Why do we call it bitching when men also gossip? Shouldn’t it be dogging for men? Why don’t bitches sue humans for spoiling their name? I am sure, humans would have wreaked havoc on the Canine family had they done something like this. (Think this; dogs have ‘insaan’ and ‘human’ in their slang dictionary. Try bitching someone by that name.)
·         Why are there fraternities and brotherhoods and no maternities, only sisterhoods? Don’t women grow old, or being in a maternity reveals their true age?
·         No matter how white snow-white was, she couldn’t be white as a white fabric, or a pearl, or snow. (She would look more of a ghost then). Nothing is absolute, everything is relative.  Even examination marking scheme. If they say its ‘absolute’, it is relative to a tutor’s knowledge. If they say its ‘relative’, the level of knowledge is often much higher.
·         If the human brain capacity is really 3.6 X 1019 bytes, then it is justified to use monkeys for experimentation because humans can be dangerous. But doesn’t anyone here have any shame? Such huge amount of memory is almost blank and never utilized. Instead we invest in new technologies like DVDs, Blue Rays discs and Solid State? No one has succeeded in storing even a single file in here. Even I am experiencing a space crunch right now, and still I am chuckling like a retard when I term each one of us as ‘retards’. (We all are retards anyway.)
·          What to talk of processing speeds. We have super-duper turbo boosted computers embedded in our skulls and we shamelessly linger around with these baby computing machines, pretending that our cranium is hollow. Some retards (Moore/ Moose) even give laws propounding the limits of computational speeds.
If anybody finds answers to any of these questions, then please, enlighten me! And if someone finds Area 51, call me right away!
P.S.          If you have scratched your head even once in this post, pondering over the question, then congratulations, for having climbed the first rung of scientific thinking. You have managed to ask "Why", now find the answer.

Sunday, May 2, 2010

I am sorry.. wait a min.. Am I??..

And I am back again...! Dear friends, the counterparts of the male appreciators in particular, I am so very sorry to have hurt your sentiments in a few of my previous posts. With reference to the post under the title “Sloshed and bitch” (for those who are yet to read that post and call me names, REFERENCE 1 :, I have received comments that have shook my conscience inside out for the past few months and to be very honest, even my slumber has not been that comfortable. I have been called by many unmentionable names by the ladies and some of my female friends even commented “Kuch zyada nahi ho gaya?” I was called a devotee of male chauvinism and my sister chided me, saying “Kya unt shunt likha hai aapne bhai... how dare you call girls bitches?”
Ho gaya? Done with all the nautanki? I have something even better this time. Yes, I agree that when I made the statement, regarding girls adding to the letters of word Vulnerable when they are drunk, I was wrong. It is now that I see, it was a mere understatement. They always had this wild cat instinct, deep inside, lurking, waiting to emerge. Alcohol is just an easier recourse, a precursor.
But again, kuch zyaada ho raha hai na?
My Lord, I’ve got proof this time. But before I present it before you, I wish to add a few more lines in my (and their) defence. I believe that Indian society has been very conservative compared to that of the outside world (REFERENCE NO. 2: Just a hint, I know that’s easy. Think of the Indians around you, who have been world trotters and still haven’t learnt anything worthwhile. Ask me if you want another hint). This conservatism has definitely led to many adverse effects on us; the most pronounced one being the growing curiosity among the youth. Curiosity killed the cat; it was a bunch of wild cats this time. Boys will be boys and girls will be girls. Boys might be the most degraded species of humans to have walked on earth, but still girls ain’t any bitches (they are cats, meow)? Whatever the ladies might do, they are ladies, nothing else. The consequences of this character liberty have become much obvious to me now, and so shall they reveal upon you too.
Without further ado, let me introduce you to someone who doesn’t need introduction – Google Inc. They have this nifty search site for Indian people. They cluster locally generated queries and present them as options according to popularity as we type in our query. So follow the self explanatory steps. Just type “How to” and see the magic happen.

Uh, umm, I am pretty sure no male would be interested in getting pregnant whatsoever. Believe me that thing which happened in the movie “JUNIOR” with Arnold is actually impossible and every single male is aware of it.
Just to see how the contemporaries of my dearest ladies were doing in the other parts of the world, I made my ‘Destination Berlin’. I shifted over to Germany, to check the consistency of results on “how to”, and this is what I got.

They are more interested in getting the lyrics of “How to save a life”, probably because our first question was answered in their classrooms by the teachers. Not like ours, who slyly skip the details, even of the reproductive system. “How to save a life”, it’s a pretty song by ‘The Fray’, and tops my playlists. But now I am thinking that after making such astounding revelations, who is going to save my life? ‘Bhalayi ka zamana to raha nahi hai ab’. It’s a bad, baaaaaad world.
I guess, I proved something with ample proof today!
So now, please, stop being such a wimp, stop foaming and fretting. Be just in mind and reason, and answer this one question;
If guys don’t mind being called dogs for the style they like to have or for the attitude they reflect, why girls should make such a fuss over being called bitches, when they are wilder than us in this regard. And even worse, that they need google to guide them for a natural instinct.
As a matter of fact for those who still find this obnoxiously unacceptable, stop dreaming, it’s a reality and you may also try it at leisure. Please understand that I have never meant any harm, it’s just my skew-view-point. Everyone has his own; only few dare to share it. And still if you are not smiling, then you were one of those who searched for that complete string. Stop being guilty conscious, BITCH!
P.S. 1 : I discovered it serendipitously when trying to get a good laptop. I was searching “How to get a good laptop”.
P.S. 2 : Do try the same for different google locations. Example:,,, and other countries. It is really interesting what questions people frequently ask!