Sunday, January 31, 2010

Yo Chandigarh !

DISCLAIMER: Humourous interpretation by a blogger
This is not just another random tourist guide to Chandigarh. This is A Bastard's Chandigarh tourist guide. If you are wondering what a bastard is (not from inglorious, but better read as 'jobless online engineers' JOE s ). A bastard is a synonym for such a word.
Location: Sector 17 bus stand
Specimen - A hot 170 cm tall girl on high heels, red tees and blue jeans. From this bastard's skiewpoint, tourist spots are not the only things that you are interested in when you arrive at a new place. Species of the opposite gender are appreciated as well. Earthly creations of God and other wonderful creatures do not escape our eyes. I mean, there is no harm in 'sight' seeing, right? And our herd of nerds did just that, watch the flock of birds. And the way we did it? We could be awarded the 'Best sightseeing award' for reckless swishing of eyes.
NOTE: Please try to keep your eyes off gals while crossing roads!
Chandigarh lasses are awesome, and half the time, while actually we were there on a purpose of buying some components for a project, we also carried out a survey on the density of girls in areas. It’s like you will have no dearth of females at any point of time. With every 5 minutes, (if you are not constantly standing at one fixed place) you see a girl whose looks are unique in each and every way. The sad part is that, the really hot ones are already taken and the beautiful are either out with their moms/dads or roam with their bunch of friends. The welcome change is unlike the ones you find in south (fried babes with an attached likeness to fairness creams), these lasses have a pretty fair face, if not like ghostly white of Kareena (read Yuva, the beach song!)
Oh Baba Raamdev ji, I made you proud. My eyes were executing Simple harmonic motion like a pendulum. (Now I see well!) The art of sightifying without getting caught is awesome. Of course, things are so much simpler if you don a ray ban or dark shades, but then seeing them in the real thing rather than from behind a veil of black and white is a pleasure reserved for oneself. Many a time, we weren't even listening to what the other was saying. [location] 3 o clock you find a hot girl wearing a tee saying " I may not be perfect, but parts of me are pretty awesome" , whilst a girl at 6 o clock wears a tee proclaiming " I have a pretty face, see that too" . These tees are more than common here in this northern city. A place where you can find girls and women in all types of shapes and sizes. Round, shapy, kingfisher types (alas, they are taken! Cannot really pull off a Barney when you have a 6 pack monster protecting her). I cannot believe I am saying this, but even young moms are hot! sexy and chique. They wear attitude as if they have long forgotten the troubles of motherhood. All sorts of Godly creations in all types of tight fitting, figure hugging attire inviting constant praise in the form of male eyes (not always prying).
The suave chicks do know they are inviting attention, so we boys are more than happy to oblige. I said to myself," one of these days, I am going to pull a Barney". You must imagine the plight of us engineering students. The places where we come from, there are just males and non males. (I know that is copied from before). It was a welcome change from the otherwise monotonous faces that we get to see in our college. The best part about this city is that the girls are not afraid to wear their attitude on their sleeves, and they proudly show it off. And still manage to stay on the safe side of society. It is like they do not breach their level so as to be branded bitches. And that is a welcome change. They are conscious of what they wear, and they flaunt their 'assets' very intelligently as well. Wonder if they have the sensibility to match their figurines. Will surely let the blogosphere know more in a later post.
On a finishing note, the author hopes to find a sensible blogger-cum-beautiful Chandigarh lass one day, and surely Chandigarh will not have seen the last of us engineering studs! Chandigarh gals rock!

Sunday, January 24, 2010

Love, Kiss and Sex in an engineer’s perspective..

“Engineers like to solve problems. If there are no problems at our disposal, we create our own!”

I as an engineer, shall prove this theorem either by using facts or assumptions. I shall stick to facts if they already exist, assumptions whenever I want to confuse you. I shall be creating problems in case the statements seems to miss one.

Discovery, National Geographic and History Channel produce more than a documentary per day.They redefine, rediscover and rewrite the simple facts in a more twisted form. In short they present old wine in new bottle, and at times they sell water in champagne bottles.

DOCUMENTARY ONE: - “The Art of Kissing”


Speaking as a veteran, kissing is special for the first timers; it gets repetitive after that(it is exchange of saliva after that!). Telecasting it on discovery makes us believe there is something technical about it. Well in case there is something technical related with kissing then why don’t we have it as a subject in our college? I bet its practical lab shall be truly intriguing. (I pray to P C Chidambaram to ban 377 before the session starts)

Owing to the present education scenario(in case the Indian Education Board approves 'Kissing Science'), our lecturers shall make it a point to make it more monotonous than the contemporaries of the western world. Situations shall be erotic but questions shall be mathematical.
For instance, “Suppose you are kissing your partner at an angle of 45 degrees inclined to his/her body, with your lips making an angle of 60 degrees to the other pair. The question asked would be;
Q. Calculate the force exerted when a 60 gram pair of lips approaching with the passion of light makes a contact for infinite amount of time?

DOCUMENTARY TWO: -”99 Ways to lose your virginity”

Well, my pubes are of the opinion that there is just one way to do this and so do the genitals of the authors of the books concerned. History proves there is only one way to lose virginity; there can be 99 different locations, 99 different scenarios, 99 different positions, but the basic principle remains same.Curiosity ignites the fuel and the right hand takes over. Even an illiterate is a Ph. D in this field. A negative response to “do you know how to lose your virginity?” is just as if expecting a YES from an engineer for the question, “Are there beautiful girls in your institute?” (Expect this: "Beautiful doesn't go along with Girls in our case"). Engineering colleges and especially famed ones have males, non-males and e-mails. Females are a missing gender!


Parents often tell their children to watch Discovery, National Geographic, and History Channel. My parents used to scare the hell out of me. I shall never ask my children to view these channels. My parental lock preferences for my children shall be 1) discovery 2) history 3) national geography *4) fashion TV (*is optional)
Parents make their children watch history channel hoping that, they shall learn about ancient culture, religion and practices. Yes, they do learn about the lives of the ancient kings. But there's a catch!! What comes along is the art of loving 20 queens and developing management skills. Skills to manage time and lust and how to share their this acquired dexterity with their 20 wives and countless concubines ; not to forget the skills to feed their libido adequately!

Saturday, January 23, 2010

The Uber male

Once upon a time, a really long time ago, when the male species started having feelings for their female counterparts, albeit a mixture of several feelings physical and emotional, somewhere, something broke. The definitions mutated. Looking back, the first time the words 'girlfriend' 'boyfriend' originated, the first time couples went through the stages of social stigma and all. Taking a fast forward from the rewind, we have come a long way and the definition of boyfriend has come to an altogether new level.

The metrosexual man has to care for all the needs of the modern female, be mature and soft at the same time, but as the law of nature everything evolves. The metros thought it was cool enough to flaunt big buff muscles in branded tees and jeans. The guy who lived up to the typical romantic stuff in the movies. Say goodbye to all that . And say hello to the ubersexual male. The guy you wished never existed. The Boyfriend 2.0 . He knows how to flirt within the limits, as well as to where to draw the line so that any external stimulus will not get a overtly response in the form of a rotatory swishing so that the pivotal joint does not go for a rollercoaster. He knows how to be chique and suave while refusing to live in the stereotyped cliched typos of society. He will juggle his personal and professional life with ease, and will get what he wants. In short, he is the happening dude.

Above [ An example of an uber dude- The name is .... ah come on you know it ! ]

Looking at a brief overview, we can come to the necessitating conclusive evidence that some of us have observed the below points at some point in life. Curious? Have a look.

Article 1.0 - The discerning male has his eyes everywhere, and can zero in on any fixed target in no time.
Here is an example - supposing a beautiful lass is seated opposite you on a train. There are two categories. She might be taken or not taken. Now the metro man would have gone for the kill. The uber man, wait for it, grabs an opportunity. The girl might be into a conversation, and the hunter interrupts gently and will introduce himself. Or the target might be reading a novel/book, the uber will politely donate his comments and will introduce himself.

Article 2.0 - Once a uber male has got a girl, he will make her know his 'worth'!
Guys usually get girls to get jealous by making other girls talk to him, and if the jealousy part doesnt work, he has other tricks up his sleeves.

Article 3.0 - Metro men spend, uber men think!
Men will get girls to spend for them. And ways they have a plenty. The only trouble is how much they get, and in what form. Like sometimes your mobile may receive a surprise recharge.

Article 4.0 - Herculean looks are no real necessity!
Six pack abs are no real necessity, washboard abs will do for the male. Now lets not get over our heads here. Of course protrusions around the waist are a no-no !

Article 5.0 - Maturity and kiddishness go hand in hand!
Guys can get girls to play their to definition of maturity, as well as not be confined to the likelihood of kiddishness.

Article 6.0 - Brains to looks , einstein to ronaldo!
While metro men crave for a ronaldo like body, uber dudes think the other way around. Now , how many of you know Einstein? Ya ya the guy who gave us E = m*c*c among other scientific achievements. But do you also know that he was quite a ladies's man ? See his personal life. Even though he had a failed marriage, the great physicist was quite a charmer when it came to the opposite sex.

Many articles follow and the principles of getting a girlfriend and getting laid are mastered by the uber dude. And as the uber men are getting a plenty in number, the author thought there must be a balance between the metro men and the uber men, so is not willing to reveal any more articles or secrets regarding this concern. If all men go uber, where do we go ?!

The ubersexual male will try hard to keep his girl off romantic movies. He is also spearheading a campaign - love movies hatao, baaki sab dekho !

P.S 1- anyone thought of creating a FB page of this sort ?

P.S 2- all the above was a humorous interpretation, that obviously goes without saying !