Saturday, December 26, 2009

Sloshed and bitchy!..

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And finally the huge contact list of gals with green red and yellow lights by their sides.

“Come-on someone ping me...” As this hapless creature waits patiently for a popup, nothing happens. Out of desperation, he grabs the phone and tries to text someone. And finally, Dawn!
Angie: I am getting bored.. Wanna go out for a drink?..
Me: I don’t drink mate!
Angie: I am in a very bad mood..
Angie: Wanna meet up?..
Me: Crescent mall in 20 mins..
Angie: Cya there.!

A small gulp of vodka and she is the queen of the world!!! Ok.. These days, they are competing with us in every field; so maybeee two small pegs! Sometimes I imagine what a few gulps of whisky or rum would do to them. Oh I forgot, yes I am talking of girls on pub floors!
Well as a matter of fact, the newest and the most alluring inclusions to the world of boozers are girls and this gives me joygasms whenever I think of it. Plan a pub night out with friends and there would never be any dearth of females in your crowd. It’s in fashion to drink these days and if you don’t then all you get to hear is “you are out of ton mate!” and you are branded as an outcaste. But guess what, it is always better to be on the outcaste list because that eventually gives you the edge. You can always have material fun in full senses and in the end, wind up into the good books of many (the female with whom, you just have had a session, in particular). Get a girl who just broke up with her boyfriend to a bar and after a few pegs you may feel her anti gravity assets in your hands. Believe me broken up asses give off far more easily and they even lighten you pockets less. And after being “wasted” you can always sing those old friendship mantras and she would be obliged to your services as her friend. Sloshed girls! Well they are no less than bitches. All they remind me of is that (S)aint song of Marlyn Manson.. “I got an F and C and i got a K too and the only thing that’s missing is a BITCH like U!” Even I ain’t a saint!
With every drink or maybe sip in many cases these bitches add to their character few letters of the word “VULNERABLE” and once the spelling is complete, the so called pure Indian Women eventually shows her actual inside and insight!. It all starts with the mouth. No I have not reached that tongue twister yet. The bitch starts with the stories (cooked up shit) of the latest painful incidents of her life and how bechari she has been lately, which may include nonsense like those of her boyfriend no longer hooking up with her, or maybe he over timing her; parents also form a part of these pathetic seducers. Every syllable of these stories bridges the gap between you and the bitch and within no time you can smell her breathing right under your nose. And Guess what, she suddenly calls you “honey” by mistake! With her hands on her mouth as if she just named the most monstrous devil enslaved in hell, she would pretend to be the savitri, who would only pronounce of her husband and no one else. And all you can do is act like Vishvamitra, whose penance has just been broken and is now listening to her tragic lament and pretend to ease her pain by gently caressing her hair. Holy Cow! Her hair are so soft! Few seconds later you don’t even need your salivary glands anymore as your mouth is rushed with a pool of her alcohol laden saliva. The rest of the story is obviously.......
Wait a second!. Something even worse happened with me. She was sloshed alright and had done the talking thing and all but she also happened to be my best friend’s girl. Darn! What a situation. And guess what her beauty and those natural gifts had left me drooling and wanting. I felt like being deserted on an island with only one (rather two) coconut left to drink and I could not just touch it because.. because I am supposed to be Virtuous. So I cordially declared to the world that I actually have a girlfriend and that I loved her.. bloody liar.. To this, she seductively proposed, “Relax! She wouldn’t even know about it. Let’s be one tonight and and tomorrow, nothing happened”. I am out of appropriate postfixes for Holy ......., She was the girl. I wanted to taste her winy lips. But then I was also a good friend. After a long time had a female asked me for satisfaction, desperate as she was, and I?, like a Sadist, said "No". What happened next? I would keep rest of the episode unspoken of!...

Thursday, December 24, 2009

A Few too Many

9 point CG, doesn't it look (or sound) beautiful?
Yes! It is, it is.
One of the most exalted pulses in the lifeline of an engineer, this is our last big achievement (For most of us). But with a burden so great, even Atlas would succumb to the pressure. For those, who have this 9 pointed sword hanging by their neck, it is of utmost importance to be on the safe side. How they manage to do it, that's why am here.
Now as many of you know, this class of 9 pointers is composed of a myriad of extinct or very rare species. Each has its own way of going for the kill. Each one is 'For its own survival', only a few believe in the philosophy of "Vasudhaiva Katumbakam"(The whole world is a big joint family). Did I just make my stand clear? Anyways, here is the art, demystified.

Type 1: The Bibliophiles
As soon as you enter the room, you can gasp, "Oh Lord, build me The Noah's Ark to sail through!". Books everywhere! Near the bed, on the table, underneath it, closet stocked with books. Amongst all this chaos, sits a gloomy figure, as if bewitched (he might call himself enchanted, so beware!)by this ocean's treasure, trying to rediscover past.(Darn! Science made past so important for the future's sake) Ask him a doubt, and you will forget who you are. Complete anatomical dissection, or exhumation, or massacre, whatever you may like to name it, is then what would happen in front of you, to your doubt. By the time he finishes, either you would be falling short of hair to pull, or already in a deep trance called sleep.
Anyways, this creature deserves only one thing - A SGPI greater than 9. A '9' would be an understatement though.

Type 2: The Prodigious
These are the one's born with insight. Anything read once, is registered for a very long time.
Why did God have to be so biased in distributing memory capabilities? Gave some a large capacity Hard disk and some a floppy Disk? Even worse, some have volatile memory!
How do they pull it off? no one knows, not even them. It just happens, like a phenomenon. They constitute the most deserving and most envied lot.

Type 3: The Whiners
A very interesting sect indeed. They keep a straight forward approach - Go and beg for marks ! Ha simple? Got 38 out of 50. Not enough? Go to the teacher, and just do it.

"Sir, This question is of 5 marks and I have written more than 3 pages for it. Still you have given me just 2.5 marks? And X wrote just 1 page and got 5 on 5? I should get more marks here".

"Should"? Are you insane? Are you Begging or demanding?

"Sir, I am poor at calculations and it is just a calculation mistake. You can see Sir, the method is correct, and the steps too!"

Poor fellow, don't you know that a very small calculation mistake can lead to a plane crash or a rocket to explode, or to be stream specific, make music nothing more than squealing and screeching?

These types must be appreciated, coz they know how to sell themselves, and they are the one's who [suckceed] in life.

And take my word on this, it is the most hilarious moment when the teachers retorts to all their wailing and shoes them out of the cabin. Look at their faces and you'll know. Now go, console them, be a sadist.....It’s fun.

Type 4: The Pleasurists

Devoted to the worldly pleasure and to the needs of teachers. Much of them is unknown, as the technique is highly classified. I don't know how they know, or how they manage all favours without blowing off their secrecy. No one knows what they do, or how they do it, but they just know the secret of suc-cess. Fortunately, they are so hard to find that, they can comfortably be believed to be nonexistent; and sometimes this secret weapon of theirs only augments some of their other prowess.

Type 5: The Parrots

This group has a talent, doing everything by-heart. Learning by heart, emotions swell right from the heart, even decisions might be from the heart.
Do they have Brains? I doubt. Scientifically, it is proven that when you stop using something, it deteriorates and finally is lost. So if they are to do everything from the heart, why shouldn't the brain get upset and leave them? Its a human brain after all !
The last time I remember someone remarked on this power of someone, that person had (tried to) taken extreme steps to make the trespasser apologize.

Type 6: Draggers
This is my type. For us, being a 9 pointer is, u mm, a commodity! We don't mind if others underperform and consequently, we get to eat bigger bread. Even in the examination room, we are ready to help. All we need in return is, a Coffee (Double)? or maybe a Frappe. Getting a 9 as SGPI is serendipity, and many of us are still baffled on how to react. So don't mind for our lot, coz we mistakenly crossed the Border. Sorry for any harm, if done.

We would like to know of other specimens that you fellows have discovered at some point of time.
So if you have such information, share it with us, and with the national museums too!

All information contained in this article has been perceived by many and is a result of trusted and verified research. If any person finds some part of this article describing him/her, it could be intentional as well as unintentional. The author is not responsible for any harm you might inflict on yourself after reading this article and owns no responsibility whatsoever. So please if you were touched, leave a note here and, well do what you feel like doing.

Monday, December 21, 2009

"The Three Joes.. battle begins!"

“ENGINEER”.. the word once pronounced causes intense compressions and rarefactions in the surrounding vibrating medium striking the eardrums of many simultaneously, many who were not even a part of the conversation; and the first thing that a normal person (normality here refers to all those loosers who slipped off the IIT and NIT entrances because they could not manage a few a,b,c,d’s from their neighbors) would imagine in the screen of his grey matter is a “turbine”!. Four years of exile to a forest where all you get to see are different breeds of the same gender longing for salvation (SALVATION!, well that would be an entire new post!) and of course those hypocrites wearing various flavors of Playboy perfumes, the aroma of which are far more worse than the deadliest of Sleeping Pills (Guess what?. I was just referring to the teachers); yet all the Joe gets to learn are the two basic postulates of Biology:

1. Man actually evolved from apes!

2. Man is also an animal!

After two years of intense studying and preparations, the Joe finally manages a rank very near to the margins, and gets his name engraved into the attendance record of some Engineering Institute. Bidding goodbye to the socialised locality which may also sometimes include a girlfriend, the Joe reaches a place called hostel where he is rewarded with some not so familiar faces called roomies and the first thing that reaches his ears is “Dude!. Rubbers are even available in chocolate flavour!” Well the next thing is obviously a slang. Eventually when the Joe attends his first lecture he discovers another interesting fact - that during the Joe’s admission, the college signed a MOU with the UGLIEST FEMALE RIGHTS ASSOCIATION and imported all the “not so beautiful, ('ugly' would be better word)” opposite genders and made them sit beside him. Life for him could never be worse. The Joe could almost hear the director shouting out to the outer world,

“HELLOoooo!. You are so ulgy!.. This year you get a wild card entry into our college!”

Of course the beauties in other years helps the Joe ease his way through life as they serve to nurture his hunger for girls; but only as eye-candies! Unfortunately, the line up of the senior beauty upgrades from chicks to bombs to bombshells and for the juniors the order is just the reverse.

This was a common start for the three Joes of our battalion and for many more who will be seen commenting on their posts!. Starting with the introduction:


To call him a “Nerd” would be a mistake because unlike many of his studious kind, the Joe is randomly found searching for girls online or may be admiring the undulating landscapes of some female body. No doubt he is a total disaster to life as the Joe is determined thoroughly towards his career commitments!


“Love at first sight”.. well this a common phenomenon for this Joe and all his life is dedicated to is sleeping and cracking silly jokes, the humour of which brings laughter to none but himself. A total blend of psychic characteristics with bit of brains, this Joe was recently given a demotion in his unit!


“High stakes in life with no hard work” is a perfect description of JOE 458. Still trying to figure out why he landed into this place, he is a total casanova and all he can spill are the names of the few perfect asses who made their way into our barracks. The Joe recently edged his way through his 5th stage aggradations!

As the Joes toddle their path towards salvation, we bid them luck and loads and loads of beauties!. Enjoy the read!.

Saturday, December 19, 2009

"9 Pointed Devil"

Our Joe's out for a party and so I, on behalf of this underprivileged lot, take this opportunity to help you see things Top Down.

Being the owner of this 9 pointer, which is rightly the Devil itself, we have duties to attend to. This devil bestows upon me the opportunity to be on the top of the food chain for the proceedings of the forthcoming semester. So here's a sneak peek for what all is in store.

The news spreads like jungle fire. All hyenas and vultures just wait, for the right moment to ambush. Found wandering anywhere near the food stalls, and you are broke. Even our own, so called 'Best buddies', persuade us to the altar,and then, Caesar dies.

Its not just the pocket that feels light. It could be our birthday anytime, any day, then we too can touch the sky with gory (feet at our butts). Now, anything out of the line in a conversation, and you are silenced with a taunt at your CGPI. In the classroom, as if playing God, we need to answer every question fired at us.

Any talk related to us is branded "Handle Without Care", and the best part is that we can't even say ouch!!
Still, at the end of the day 'We' are the Masters of the trade and everyone needs to turn up onto us every now and then. And like sweet poison, we chide them, pamper them and eventually dissuade them from touching those burgeoning piles of class notes. Thats how we have managed to tame this Nine Pointed Beast.
Though there might be other easier methods too but mentioning those might give jitters to some of my fellows of the Underprivileged Group (aka 9 Pointer Group).

I would gladly accept to be the master of anything above 9 pointed creatures if somebody offers me to, but then the consequences might be too dangerous, and what are hyenas and sly cats now might turn into predators and so I would just say , I Dare Not!

Friday, December 18, 2009

"Below Average Joe and the Results"

It's that time of the year when your Below Average Joe logs on to check his results. This is most probably the only time when your Below Average Joe prays to God with a keyboard in his hands. As soon as the results page loads up, not caring about how he did in each of the subjects,he lurches for that magic word, "PASS!!!!"; ecstatic he takes a few seconds to double check and triple check just to make sure he wasn't dreaming. Next comes the individual subject grades "BC,C,D,etc." ,with a satisfactory look he opens his messenger and proudly announces his grades.

Now comes the whole process of either asking or checking the grades of his closest and limited rivals. Apart from a couple of position changes, all is the same. Next comes the all important process of swearing and degrading the top 20 rankers, and well, the opposite sex !! (Not to forget the teachers either). This is the most entertaining and explicit part of the whole process. Starting with serious discussions on ways to destroy various departments and offices of the college and why people study so much, to more explicit jokes like how the performance grades prefer to get along with the fairer sex. The jokes go on for quite some time to a point when the whole "disappointment" of the grades are forgotten.

Last but not the least is bringing the "Future Stomach Satisfaction Act" by Below Average Joe's into action. According to this act, Our Joe picks the Top 10 rankers, congratulates them and eventually, get to the point of a party. Few of them are benevolent to offer him a feast (pitying his grade....Ha...silly toppers!!).

With the whole process now complete, Below Average Joe sits back in his chair, gives out a sigh, his brain crosses out one more number.For Below Average Joe all that the result meant was, that he was one more semester closer to graduating with the same lot of people he started this long, hard and memorable journey with.

5 Down, 3 To Go!!